25 things your SCUBA instructor didn't tell you (but probably wanted to...)

 

 

1) Everyone pees in their suit – everyone, eventually.

 

2) Yes, you have tan lines from your suit and your mask, and because you over tightened that strap you have some very odd looking indentations on your face, but at least the snot has now gone.

 

3) Waterproof makeup was intended to withstand a good cry and not a scuba dive in the tropics.

 

4) The person on the boat flashing the most certification cards is usually that biggest **** on board.

 

5) You will be buddied with them, and they will be a nightmare.

 

6) Going on your first open water dive is scary, but dive instructors are just as scared as you. ‘Just add water’ has a whole new meaning when you’re teaching, anything could happen, and there’s more of you.

 

7) ‘This is my favorite site,' translates as ‘we come here ALL THE TIME because it’s close and tame.’

 

8) You won’t always see the shark/barracuda/scary marine inhabitant approach; one is going to give you a messy wetsuit at some point.

 

9) Adults can get diaper rash.

 

10) ‘This is Sandy. He’s a dive master in training, and he’ll be coming along on the course to help out.’ translates as ‘This is Sandy. He’s done about 15 dives and is a student just like you. While he thinks he knows it all, he’s going to cause me more trouble than all of you put together.’

 

11) Trigger fish do not always stop chasing if you swim out of their territory.

 

12) I don’t love night diving, but I do get paid extra for it….

 

13) You should do the deep/navigation/whatever course just so that I can have a break and do something different.

 

14) The rinse tank water hasn’t been changed for weeks.

 

15) No, I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

16) ‘The last time I was here I saw a whale shark.’ translates as ‘I’ve been here hundreds of times, and my mate on the other boat once said he saw a whale shark here.’

 

17) You are going to, at some point, flood a camera, drop a flashlight, get blisters from your fins, buy a leaky mask.

 

18) Diving is not for everyone; some people should remain on land yet some slip through the cracks.

 

19) See point five.

 

20) If you do not listen to briefings and then mess up because of it, or repeatedly ask questions whose answers were in the briefing, then I will be very tempted to turn your air off.

 

21) Interfering in my course will get you thrown overboard; at least in my evil fantasies.

 

22) At some point you are going to have ear issues; equalization problems, ear infections, and burst ear drums are in your future.

 

23) The only way to guarantee you'll see a whale shark is to leave your camera on the boat.

 

24) Fish really are attracted to shiny jewelry.

 

25) I don’t care about your video clip from the last dive, but I will happily come to the bar and watch it if the beers are on you.